April 2026
04/15/26
Every day I kill myself. I understand that what you're supposed to be doing is dying to yourself every day, but what I'm doing is killing myself every day. Subtle difference, huge polarity. I've stopped even putting it off until the evening and find its becoming a part of the morning routine... rain, shine, blizzard: nothing can stop me baby. I have no wish to actively participate in my life. I would sleep the day away instead, but this way I get to pretend that I was present (functional) and don't have to worry about missing anything important. Kind of like going to class but not actually paying any attention to the content. That's how I am currently living my life: like a shitty student in a class I've deemed uninteresting. But here's the thing(!), The uninterested student will never just happen upon any studies that they find interesting because the true disinterest is independent from the content, and is in fact a reflection of the inner world; as without, so within. The same boring class can only become interesting through a different lens made of genuine curiosity, something which cannot be faked (unfortunately).
Ultimately, the root of this whole issue has been determined to be that I don't know how to live and I'm scared to learn. Learning to live means committing, and for some reason I choose to remain stagnant and unfruitful within a world of potential possibilities rather than actually act on any of the potential. The mind takes the path of least resistance; known neural pathways are preferred. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, blah blah, I know. What a fucking curse to be aware of the mechanisms that control you.
The problem is that I've been at this exact precept for over two years now and it is now obvious that this isn't something that just goes away (annoying), and apparently applied action is required. The student has to give a shit. And genuinely, because it's actually their class, and they're choosing the curriculum.
"I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attack puts me to sleep"
- Spongebob Squarepants,
Season 3, Episode 52
Strip it Down.
You have to Commit.
- Personal motto (bad trip)
04/23/26
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
-Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
I, like many, never really heard the starting gun go off. Instead however, it's felt like the pistol has been pointed at my head this whole time, and two days ago the gun went off. I'm still not sure if I've taken off running or if my body is currently in a freefall towards the ground; the latter has been heavily suspected as all I've been doing is setting myself up in the perfect manner to get bell-jarred - thanks Sylvia! But yesterday morning a clarity came to me and I can now see the bare skeleton of my purpose. However, a resultant body cannot be visualized from bones alone, only overall dimensions can be determined. Some initial step must be completed to begin obtaining flesh, but I feel I don't need to worry about it and it may become apparent if I just continue on in alignment. The strings I've been following this whole time have actually been continuous, and at no point has the true path been wandered off from because no 'true path' exists. I have gone through one of the many laborious cycles meant to bring about transformation in the form of new life. I have no idea of what this child will become, and even less of an idea of it's fate, but I know if I pull this off, she will be beautiful.
I would like to continue on my earlier analogy of the student. Rarely does an interesting class have a boring teacher and when you think about it, the most exciting classes were only so because of the facilitator. A child will also develop interest in anything if you make it exciting. So although you are the student, at times you are also the teacher, and your own creativity and interest level are solely dependent on your own enthusiasm and approach. No one else is responsible for neither the syllabus, nor the quality of submissions; only you are. Not even the subject is picked out, that's yours to choose too! You don't even have to pick the 'best' subject, you just have to pick - and then study because you want to.
Pick a fig, and fucking devour it.
Strip it Down.
You have to Commit.
– Personal motto (bad trip)