My mind is a child and my body is an animal. The 'common sense' that adults apply to their treatment of animals is usually not present on a child's mind; it takes experience to understand what is appropriate behavior and what is harmful. The intentions of children are good, however this does not matter to a cat that has been dangerously shaved in the name of assisting in the heat, or the the dog that has makeup in its eye and a pink-tulled straight jacket. Only once an animal is seen as a creature of it's own autonomy can this respect create a deep relationship, one without the accidental harm; harmony between two beings. I use this analogy as I realize I too have taken the mindset of a child with regards to my own body; I play rough when it needs kindness, needs rest. I dismiss it when it wants love. "Go away", "Not now", "I just fed you, why are you whining?". This treatment can easily extend a lifetime - just observe anyone who has a 'dog mom' bumper sticker or an entirely separate Instagram for their cat. These owners typically identify with the animal as an extension of themselves, not realizing this creature has it's own personality, demeanor, and most importantly, autonomy. The OWNers likes, interests, and lifestyles are projected onto their pet because it is theirs alone and they OWN it. Again, the intentions of this treatment are rarely bad, just lacking in the emotional separation of the self and the other that is required to allow true independence to bloom and nourish the two as separate beings. 

       I have made it this far in life without realizing this separate autonomy in myself. Yes, my body belongs to me and no one else, but she is also her own. I can silence her voice and ignore her needs and desires, this is possible, but in doing this I have lost her trust and the connection between us that is required to live as a whole. She stands between me and the Self, barring her teeth and growling. I cannot pass unless she allows me to, I cannot find my way without her guidance. Like approaching a feral dog or an unbroken horse, the process of earning trust is slow, discouraging with each failure and back turned. It's easy to think I'm the one in control and that this lower being must submit to me. It is even easier to lose patience when she does not, and the resulting lash out quickly becomes abusive and destructive. The mind is much louder than the body, the child can force the animal. The animal however can only tolerate so much of this treatment before she too lashes out, teeth punctures skin. We look to the non-verbal creature as the perpetrator as she cannot rationally defend herself. She is the problem and must be trained, dominated. The animal instincts are not respected. 

       I now see this not only as my own personal problem, but also as a generational and international issue. We have all lost patience for our own animal bodies, we feel it must submit to us, the ultimate authorities. Now I know this is wrong, but perhaps it is also backwards; maybe it is us, the mind, that must submit to the body. A health issue is seen as a burden, a speed bump along our path to want we, the child mind want. It must be mitigated and suppressed immediately; a pharmaceutical here, a surgery there. And although modern medicine is wonderful and I myself would not have seen my 20th year without it, I can't help but wonder if maybe sometimes we are simply turning the check-engine light off when the appropriate move would be to read the code and look under the hood to find and repair what it is that needs repairing. The illness as a message. Immediate threats to life have to be resolved to continue current existence, but how did it get to this point? How long was the code ignored for? The body does not take abuse endlessly, she will eventually begin to howl and stomp her hooves. This is not to say it becomes the enemy, but it simply mirrors and reciprocates the treatment it has been shown - and demands better for itself. Love, patience, and acceptance is the only way to get her back. To fight is to be split, to accept is to be one. I choose to allow my emotions and instincts to exist as a guide; to hold the tension between what the mind wants and what the body needs. To feel the message within my body until the response becomes clear.